My freedom from migraines

I am a rare and lucky person.

After a lot of putting facts together and consideration, going back on Depo-provera has turned out to be the miracle cure I had hoped it would be. I have not had a migraine in weeks. I have not had much of a headache to speak of in weeks. Small tension type headaches from work, but I know why those are there.

I am still on the topamax and coming off it and the zoloft will be the next step in seeing how much the Depo is eliminating all of my headaches, but I know for sure it is eliminating my migraines.

I am lucky. I feel blessed and happy. My questions of what to do long term still remain and I have not addressed them yet. I know being on depo has some side effects, such as calcium loss, the number one reason I came off of it in the first place and I do not know if a hysterectomy would do the same thing for me as having depo in my system does.

These are all things that still lie ahead of me. For now, I am enjoying my days of headache freedom.

I hope that everyone can find their own "cure" or at least their own cocktail that keeps the pain at bay.

Censoring myself

I'm tired of censoring myself, or of not writing in full what I am feeling. However it needs to be worded, there is more that needs to come out and I need to stop being concerned over who has or might find these words.

I opened two pill bottles tonight. Opened the pill splitter to break my 100mg Topamax so I could get the appropriate dose. Split my 100mg Zoloft pill by hand.

Taking pills is exhausting tonight. There they sit on my desk in front of me. One whole pill, two halves, waiting for me to get up, find some water and take them. It seems overwhelming to be medicated. It seems overwhelming to be sick. Such a simple act that feels like it could rob me of everything.

I am almost out of zoloft. I keep postponing calling in a refill. I know full well it does nothing for my headaches. It steals my libido and offers me nothing in return. Yet, I take it, because I don't want to irritate my doctor. I want him to trust me, so he will give me the best treatment, but if he wont listen to me when I say I am not in need of anti-depressants, am I really getting the best treatment anyway? Can I not value my own health enough to give him the ol heave ho and find someone who doesn't think I just need to relax. Do you know how many hot baths I have taken, how many hot packs I have put on my neck, how much yoga, massage and acupuncture I have tried? You live with a headache every day and try to tell me you aren't feeling just a wee bit anxious. I don't need zoloft. I need my headache to go away.

Day whatever the heck it is of Depo. The sweats are back. I now know that the cold, clammy skin, sweating like all holy hell with little to no exertion is how my body adjusts to new hormones. I still cling to hope, that after the adjustment phase and my body has stopped cycling, the pain will go with it.

Eternally hopeful. Thats me.