Censoring myself

I'm tired of censoring myself, or of not writing in full what I am feeling. However it needs to be worded, there is more that needs to come out and I need to stop being concerned over who has or might find these words.

I opened two pill bottles tonight. Opened the pill splitter to break my 100mg Topamax so I could get the appropriate dose. Split my 100mg Zoloft pill by hand.

Taking pills is exhausting tonight. There they sit on my desk in front of me. One whole pill, two halves, waiting for me to get up, find some water and take them. It seems overwhelming to be medicated. It seems overwhelming to be sick. Such a simple act that feels like it could rob me of everything.

I am almost out of zoloft. I keep postponing calling in a refill. I know full well it does nothing for my headaches. It steals my libido and offers me nothing in return. Yet, I take it, because I don't want to irritate my doctor. I want him to trust me, so he will give me the best treatment, but if he wont listen to me when I say I am not in need of anti-depressants, am I really getting the best treatment anyway? Can I not value my own health enough to give him the ol heave ho and find someone who doesn't think I just need to relax. Do you know how many hot baths I have taken, how many hot packs I have put on my neck, how much yoga, massage and acupuncture I have tried? You live with a headache every day and try to tell me you aren't feeling just a wee bit anxious. I don't need zoloft. I need my headache to go away.

Day whatever the heck it is of Depo. The sweats are back. I now know that the cold, clammy skin, sweating like all holy hell with little to no exertion is how my body adjusts to new hormones. I still cling to hope, that after the adjustment phase and my body has stopped cycling, the pain will go with it.

Eternally hopeful. Thats me.