My old friend the migraine

My head hurts so much this week, and the last week and this headache is wearing down my will to do just about anything. I have taken my Imitrex and they seem pretty useless right now.

Massage made it worse. Baths don't help. Heat helps the back pain some. Sleep is all I enjoy, and I have to knock myself out with nighttime medication for that to happen because my scalp is so sensitive I want to cry laying on it.

I really need this one to get worse so I can go to the ER and get a shot for it or have it get better so I can be done with it. I'm tired and have far too much to do to be sick right now. I am in this horrible cycle of beating myself up for being sick.

I have forgotten what it is like to be sick like this. I don't get headaches very often anymore and I am grateful, but when i do, they last for a weeks and suck my energy and I remember just how draining and tiring and soul crushing they are.

Long time, no update

Its been a long time without a post. A lot has been going on in my life. I left my job - well, gave my notice, I have a few days remaining. The stress of my work environment was not at all healthy for me and I found myself coming home daily with extreme tension in my neck and shoulders.

I realize all jobs have stress, but this one had additional issues that can be avoided at other places, i.e, personality conflicts with supervisors, extremely poor upper management, etc.

I am taking a break from working for a while. I am fortunate enough to have a partner and with the new domestic partnership laws I can get on his insurance with ease. YAY.

I recently came off zoloft. Also a big yay. I have noticed no difference in my headaches thus far.

The depo is still working in that it is reducing the number of migraines I have. I have about one really bad one a month. I consider this to be wonderful. One bad one equates to about a week and a half of junk though. I still have daily garbage to deal with, but I think a lot of this is related to job stress and I firmly believe it will go away here soon. I know some of that will come back when I start working again, but I also hope to find a new place to do yoga in the meantime, get myself started on a better diet - I'm pretty sure theres a gluten sensitivity at play here and continue to see my massage therapist regularly.

Hope everyone is having a pain free day. I am going to take a nap and rest, as today is not one of my better ones. Oh well, can't win them all

My freedom from migraines

I am a rare and lucky person.

After a lot of putting facts together and consideration, going back on Depo-provera has turned out to be the miracle cure I had hoped it would be. I have not had a migraine in weeks. I have not had much of a headache to speak of in weeks. Small tension type headaches from work, but I know why those are there.

I am still on the topamax and coming off it and the zoloft will be the next step in seeing how much the Depo is eliminating all of my headaches, but I know for sure it is eliminating my migraines.

I am lucky. I feel blessed and happy. My questions of what to do long term still remain and I have not addressed them yet. I know being on depo has some side effects, such as calcium loss, the number one reason I came off of it in the first place and I do not know if a hysterectomy would do the same thing for me as having depo in my system does.

These are all things that still lie ahead of me. For now, I am enjoying my days of headache freedom.

I hope that everyone can find their own "cure" or at least their own cocktail that keeps the pain at bay.

Ultrasounds and keeping that work/home balance

Today I had an abdominal and pelvic ultrasound to try and diagnose what is going on with my back/abdominal pain.

The abdominal ultrasound hurt pretty bad when the tech pushed on my kidney and gall bladder areas. I was pretty sore for a while afterwards. Overall I have not been hurting as much today as I did the past few days, but then again I took today off work and half of yesterday, have been sleeping a lot more and taking a lot more advil. I should probably wise up and make that connection.

Not sitting in a chair computing all day is bound to relieve some of my pain. Sleeping is bound to help me at least ignore some of my pain. I am about to curl up and take a mid-afternoon nap right now. Tomorrow it is back to work for me. No matter how much I would like to not go.

That is always something I struggle with, keeping a good balance between work and my health. Between work and my home life. My significant other struggles with understanding how I can have enough energy to go to work, but not enough to do more once I am home. Why I chose work over home life. In the end, I wish the answer were really that simple. I have to have my health insurance and I have to have a paycheck. I love him, and he is important, how does one keep that balance in check? I know I have not mastered it yet.

Kidney issues???

I remember reading another migraine blog about potential kidney issues just recently, so this feels almost deja vu'ish.

I have been having back pain around the kidney area on the right side. It comes in waves and is pretty intense at times. Very hot and sharp. I shift a lot and cannot get comfortable. I couldn't get in to see my doctor today, but will try again tomorrow.

I left work early today and was able to sleep for a while. Tylenol is helping some, but certainly not eliminating it. My mom says we have some history of Kidney issues in our family and there is always the question of what role being on Topamax plays.

Time will tell and I certainly hope nothing is wrong, or that its nothing drinking lots of water wont solve. I hate that taking medications can cause more problems. I am contemplating my switch to as many alternate only health treatments as possible lifestyle again. I.e, taking only medications I have to, or ones where I absolutely know the benefits outweigh the risks or side effects and using alternative therapies/natural therapies the rest of the time. My life will be a lot of yoga, massage and acupuncture, but I think it will be better, especially if Topamax has given me kidney stones. Yuck. No more of this junk for me.

A road trip and pushing onward

I had a very long day yesterday, but one that showed me if I keep my mind in the right place the pain can become secondary. The pain was still there, and more pain showed up due to spending all day in the car, but the things gained were worth more then the things lost.

I went with some friends, and really, a secondary family to me, down the Oregon coast and took a lot of pictures. I climbed rocks and felt waves breaks feet from my face. I saw lighthouses and laughed so hard I cried. I smiled and was truly happy. I spent time with people who make me feel loved and appreciated, people who give me a sense of belonging and people whose lives I feel I am impacting as they grow.

I spent time with the man I love and I crashed out fast asleep in his arms last night. I was exhausted today, but I woke up smiling and even with pain in my back that is hurting me badly, and pain I am unsure of the cause. I am doing my best to remain positive today. To remind myself that the pain is not all that exists in my life, it drags me down and it tears at my soul so often, but there is wind and rain and fresh ocean air, love and clam chowder and memories to be made still. I am not done living yet. I am not done living.

Censoring myself

I'm tired of censoring myself, or of not writing in full what I am feeling. However it needs to be worded, there is more that needs to come out and I need to stop being concerned over who has or might find these words.

I opened two pill bottles tonight. Opened the pill splitter to break my 100mg Topamax so I could get the appropriate dose. Split my 100mg Zoloft pill by hand.

Taking pills is exhausting tonight. There they sit on my desk in front of me. One whole pill, two halves, waiting for me to get up, find some water and take them. It seems overwhelming to be medicated. It seems overwhelming to be sick. Such a simple act that feels like it could rob me of everything.

I am almost out of zoloft. I keep postponing calling in a refill. I know full well it does nothing for my headaches. It steals my libido and offers me nothing in return. Yet, I take it, because I don't want to irritate my doctor. I want him to trust me, so he will give me the best treatment, but if he wont listen to me when I say I am not in need of anti-depressants, am I really getting the best treatment anyway? Can I not value my own health enough to give him the ol heave ho and find someone who doesn't think I just need to relax. Do you know how many hot baths I have taken, how many hot packs I have put on my neck, how much yoga, massage and acupuncture I have tried? You live with a headache every day and try to tell me you aren't feeling just a wee bit anxious. I don't need zoloft. I need my headache to go away.

Day whatever the heck it is of Depo. The sweats are back. I now know that the cold, clammy skin, sweating like all holy hell with little to no exertion is how my body adjusts to new hormones. I still cling to hope, that after the adjustment phase and my body has stopped cycling, the pain will go with it.

Eternally hopeful. Thats me.